As I observe my not quite two-year-old grandchild, it is clear to me he is coordinated and agile. I’ve been around small children enough to identify a bit of precociousness there. And it’s no surprise when I acknowledge the athleticism of his own parents. It got me thinking about kids and sports: the gifts early activity in sports can give, and the risks and challenges they too can pose. Not surprisingly, given my own life history, both of my memoirs have small sections addressing my own athletic ups and downs. I am grateful my own parents were always supportive of me and the choices I made about my sports, but never pushy or overly invested.

In My Music Man, I share a story about being invited by a friend of my older brother’s to play Little League the summer of 1972. I was 11 and a good athlete; perhaps no surprise growing up with four brothers. Tatum O’Neal and The Bad News Bears hadn’t yet invited girls to imagine playing with boys (although a few girls did) and the federal LIttle League charter hadn’t yet been changed to let girls join.

“There was something about knickers—they were just so cool, even if they were a little big on me. No cleats for us in those days, so I completed my outfit with a pair of tennis shoes. And then, suddenly it seemed, it was my turn at bat. I walked up to the plate, my hands rolling the grip of the wooden bat. Getting ready to choke up.
“That’s a girl!” a dad in the bleachers yelled.
My ponytail poked out from the back of my hat.
“What’s the girl doing out there! Get her
off the field!” he added to the umpire.“

My Music Man, Chapter 3: Baseball; 2017

“I was a good athlete and Title IX gave me an avenue to develop friendships with girls who shared the love of sports and competition: at a level far beyond what my mother was given, though not nearly as competitive as what my daughters of the 1990s experienced….Playing college ball was when I recognized the negative impact athletic competition was beginning to have on me. After being a “walk on” college volleyball player at the University of Montana and making the varsity traveling team, I chose to walk off less than two years later.

Many of the big decisions we make in life are sparked by a compelling incident. For me, quitting college volleyball had many causes, but the compelling incident was a clear memory I still have of waiting on the bench to return to play during a tournament and hoping a teammate would play poorly so I would be put back in the game. Too, our coach was verbally abusive in his quest to win, I hated missing classes to travel to games and wanted free weekends to enjoy the outdoors surrounding me. I never regretted trying out for the team nor did I regret quitting when I did.“

From First Breath to Last: A Story About Love, Womanhood and Aging, And What About Us Kids, 2024

I recall all that I saw, not only in my own sports participation, but while coaching. I loved coaching kids in their early explorations of soccer and basketball, before they hit that drive to win badly or play the best they could play. I too recall when our oldest played a season of t-ball as a first grader, with a good percentage of the kids preferring to climb the trees at Mary Young Park rather than toss a ball around. (My lesson was to skip at least a year of T-ball for our younger daughter. As it all turned out, her love for theater allowed her to pursue basketball and soccer but found herself happier on the stage in the spring.)

Both of our daughters chose to play club soccer. Flash forward to their senior year of high school and into college when they chose to play recreational rather than competitive soccer. “For fun.” In the earlier years, soccer was a fun and important social activity for our family. I asked them recently, now adults, whether they felt they made their own choice to play club ball. Yes, they both said. I’m sure as parents we had our moments, but I”m glad our kids felt empowered to make their own decisions as to when to play and when to spend their time doing other things.

I suspect it was my own experience in sports that gave me the perspective I have: let kids make their choices, know when to root and when to stand back, allow them to find what makes them tick. I was happy to hang up my coaching whistle (okay, not sure I carried a whistle but it sounds good), even if I missed some of it, as they chose to play more competitively. Things began to get serious! While I felt grateful for the opportunities our daughters had that I would have loved, I worried about the “too much, too soon.” I was concerned about early burnout, a few parents setting their sights so early on college scholarships – sometimes making you wonder who wanted it more, the parent or child? Years after coaching, I remember trading notes with a parent coach I knew. He grimaced as he looked back at the seriousness and pressure he only later recognized imparting on his daughter and other teammates.

I recognized this week that bits of this influence my “stream of consciousness” fictional writing. In a short scene, my character Celia harkens back to memories of early soccer days and a wise mentor who helped her put it all in perspective. One of the many gifts of writing fiction is to allow my brain’s creative side tap into my own truths, some from long ago. I love deconstructing where my writing comes from, and even the later in life conclusions I sometimes draw. Even if they are in hindsight.

Today we have information – sometimes too much – at our fingertips. I thought I’d test my brain first and see what my own advice might be to a parent or aunt or mentor or grandparent today about kids and sports. Not surprisingly, given how much I’ve thought about this over the years, my advice is nearly identical to at least a few of the sources I found online.

So what might that be you wonder?

• Tip 1: Let you kid choose.
  Yes, this means by all sakes invite, introduce, expose as the opportunities arise. But when the fit doesn’t seem right or your kid wants to make a different choice than you, leave them alone. I have to admit, when it was clear that softball wasn’t going to be a choice for my kids, I just made sure we had at least a few family games so they knew the basics of the game (and how to throw a ball). By the time it was clear volleyball wasn’t to be either of their sports I was more than happy to let that one pass. Exposure to that game during PE and family beach trips was just fine. I guess today that might mean encouraging things away from a device that can still provide interest and passion.
  
• Tip 2: Let your kid make their own mistakes.
  Yes, and don’t do any “cleanup” for them. Ooh, this is a tough one, isn’t it? I can’t say I was ever perfect at it.
  
• Tip 3: Support your kid in respecting their coach.
  Now, clearly – especially with everything we know today – that doesn’t mean not being protective about any inappropriate words or acts. It’s tough to help our kids learn both trust along with life smarts. As a coach, parent and even older player, I observed parents who inappropriately shared their frustration with coaches. There is a time and place for helping coaches (and refs) get better, but yelling at them in front of your kids isn’t one of them. And there are times and places for parents to step up. My one-time college coach was eventually removed because of pressure from parents. No, it should not have taken that but sometimes sadly it does.
  
• Tip 4: Be interested, supportive and flexible.
  Understand and support the choices your kid makes, and be open in dialogue. Over the holidays I chatted with a young college athlete who admitted they had no idea how much pressure and time college soccer would require. They were beginning to regret their decision to play. They appreciated me listening, asking questions but not judging.

Yes, there are lists of the Don’ts. I suspect they might be easy to figure out if you practice the Dos! I believe in the teamwork, confidence-building and creativity we can find in athletics and sports. For me, athletics were my most important source of friendship and building of confidence, but also about not always getting everything you want. I appreciate the privilege to have athletics available, and the support of some amazing coaches and mentors. Coaches who ultimately did help advise me on what was best for me, when I asked. Yes, sports and athletics can be life-changing in a powerful way, as long as we also recognize the individuality of each kid. And that sports aren’t for everyone.

Okay, enough of my brain sharing for today. Go ahead, get back to your bowl game. Me? I’ve got a book to read. As always I invite your thoughts.

See also

Serendipity, Friendship and Cartwheels
Kids and E-Bikes
About That Husky Grudge
Dede’s Books