I had no idea at the moment what a connection we were creating. What I knew was that Mom, then a fairly active 83 year-old residing in assisted living, thought it’d be fun to have a young person read to her. Mom was both lucky and grateful to have doting family members of all ages. And yet, this was to be an independent activity between Mom and someone not related by blood. A relationship perhaps first encouraged, but to bloom entirely because of the personalities of two people, a kid-loving elder and 12 year old boy who had never before met. Amazingly, this relationship continued for five years, until that deal breaker COVID eliminated opportunities for visits. Mom died a bit over one year later.

That story alone is lovely. Yet, since I’ve followed this young man from those days of middle school to present-day, I thought we would share some valuable takeaways. When I reached out to Jay for a few quotes, this college senior suggested instead, for him to record us in an interview. He kindly offered me the gift of our recorded conversation. While it is tempting to post our dialogue word for word, I too know the impatience of the average reader and have instead tried to offer the most insightful parts of our conversation.

About Jay: “I’m Jay Corella. I’m a journalism major at the University of Arizona with a minor in linguistics. And for a good section of my life, I read to Patty every week.”

In the Beginning

Dede: It all came because Mom (Patty) thought it would be fun to have someone read to her. When I was chatting with your mom, she said, “You know, Jay would be willing to do that.” So my question is: when you were volunteered for this task, what do you remember? Did you think the plan sounded stupid?

Jay: No, I was actually remarkably excited. But there’s a funnier story, which is that the first day (as a seventh grader at Rosemont Ridge Middle School) I was 15 minutes late because there was an apartment complex (Cascade Summit) next to the assisted living facility (Tanner Springs). I didn’t realize Patty lived in assisted living because nobody thought that would be a good idea to tell me. So I walk into the apartment complex and I’m like, “Okay, where is this unit? Where is this unit?” And then I asked somebody and they’re like, “Oh, do you think she lives in the assisted living facility?” I was like, “You know what? Probably does. Maybe I should look there,” and then found my way in. The rest is history.

Dede: I love that. So you were paid $10 for your hour with Patty; we’d send a check every month or so. Was that a cool thing? Did it matter?

Jay: Well, it gave me spending money. So it was pretty great. And I got to tell all my friends that I had a job!

Listen to an audio clip of the first few minutes.

The Journey

Dede: You visited Patty nearly weekly for about five years, until you were in the 11th grade and the pandemic eliminated your ability to visit her. (She was living in an adult care home at that time.) In that time period of five years, how much do you remember watching her memory change?

Jay: Oh, it certainly changed quite a bit. There were two parts that were remarkably big. Every major change for her, it seemed like, was also a major change for her memory. So when she moved from one room to another room, that was a big one. I remember she fell (and broke her hip) and was in a different facility for a while. That was an interesting week. And then when she moved to the (adult care) house, it was definitely a major change. And you know, by that point, she seemed to be kind of slipping.

Dede: I appreciate your pointing out that major change can be a set back for those with dementia. And it was in the midst of some of this when I remember her saying to me she thought you had been one of her students during her teaching days. Do you have any memory of her saying that to you?

Jay: Um, no, I don’t remember that. The main thing she used to ask me was if I had a girlfriend every week, which tragically I did not.

Dede: Our mom loved to ask young people about their love lives. We know because Patty was so open with people that young people confided in her a lot. I remember her also saying to me, fairly early in your relationship with her, that she knew you told her things you didn’t share with your parents.

Jay: Oh I did!

Dede: I also remember you at some point later saying, “Yeah, I know she’s stretching the truth on some of these things.”

Jay: Well, regarding stretching the truth – quite honestly, now I’m like, huh, I wonder if that was actually true? When we first started, the idea was I would read some of her sister’s book (unpublished memoir), which is all about growing up in Oregon. But I remember I got two pages in and the chapter is about her sister flying in an airplane for the first time, and she writes, “It was the most beautiful view I saw and it’s a shame that none of my sisters could have seen it.” Then Patty says , “I was there! That was me in the plane. I saw that!” So I think history might be remembered differently.

Dede: I don’t think we ever had you read the memoir she had written, all 300 pages of it.

Jay: I don’t think so. That’d be very interesting to read because (I knew) she was a well traveled woman.

Q She was. If I were to do any of this over, I think during some of that period, it would have been fun for you to read that to her, especially as she couldn’t see the print anymore. Mom demonstrated to us how writing your stories can bring them back to you later, even if your memory can’t. One of her favorite parts to listen to was her trip to Asia and Thailand. So, soon after you moved from reading things like the memoir to news headlines.

Jay: Yes.

Dede: I remember a time just prior to COVID, so one of your last visits, and I came in quietly to visit after work when you were finishing your visit. I think she saw me, but I was sitting in the background. You were talking about North Korea. And she kind of looked at me, gave a wacky smile and raised her eyebrows. I loved it because she knew you knew so much and she loved to have you there and and to share this, even if she wasn’t fully tracking what you were talking about. That was great.

Jay: Each day I was to visit Patty, I’d be in school on my laptop looking up stories that I wanted to share. And one of them was about video game design, which is something that I imagine she did not care a bit about. But there was lots of drama in this video game being designed. So we read the whole story and she was like, “That was a remarkably good story” for being about something that she didn’t really care about, mainly because it was like a total comedy of errors. That was a fun one! (note: Jay dated this to early in 2019 and the release of Bioware’s Anthem when Kotaku released a story about it. This was two years before Patty died and one year before Jay and Patty stopped being able to visit.)

Dede: It’s interesting when I think about Patty’s experience with dementia, at least from my viewpoint. Patty was, as you know, well educated. She had a tremendous vocabulary and was a terrific speller nearly toward the end of her life. I guess I want to acknowledge that I think she was especially able to enjoy her time with you in a way that maybe not everybody with dementia would because she loved being around young people, she loved words, stories and reading. And as she started to lose more of her vision, you were a wonderful friend to her. So I guess I wanted to share that with you. But I do want to ask you about this commitment you made to Patty, even after getting your “other” first job at McDonald’s. I remember saying, “You know, Jay, I love what you’ve done for her, and now that you have a job, I don’t want you to have too much on your plate. Job. School.” And yet you insisted on seeing her, even to the point of finding a way to get to her new location a bit further away.

Jay: Well, so I think you’re definitely overselling how stressful a job at McDonald’s is. But it was quite fortunate because I had a pretty dialed in routine that, you know, at times felt a bit crazy, but then I was like, I like what I do all the time. And I distinctly remember my first visit after getting my driver’s license on my birthday. The first time I drive a car alone is to go see Patty! It was perfectly timed because she it had only been a week or so since she had moved out of Tanner and into the new house. Nobody was home to take me because both my mom and dad were working. I guess I just drove (the few miles) over. I would go to school regularly on Mondays and Tuesdays. I would see Patty on Wednesdays and then Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays I’d be at work at McDonald’s, which I definitely, in retrospect, realized that working a job while in high school kind of sucks. High school is more stressful than college for me. So it’s like somehow, you know, I was working a job through that. So I still look back and I’m like, how did I do that? Plus, you know, I had extra credit commitments usually in theater.

The Takeaways

Dede: I love that story. And also that your parents trusted you to take this on independently, including borrowing a car after school. So if you were to look back at all of this, you clearly gave Patty a lot. Did you also gain something from your relationship with her?

Jay: Well, the main thing I think was definitely just someone to talk to every week

Dede: That makes me cry. In a good way.

Jay: Like, you know, there was always somebody that I could, you know, bounce ideas off of and talk to just about life and stuff like that, which was always great because, you know, I’m in high school. I need someone to do that. At the time I didn’t have a whole lot of friends that I talked to at a very deep level. And so it’s like, you know, it was nice to be able to have her and could always talk to about something.

Dede: Do you think if it was a grandparent, would it feel different because there’d be the connection to your family?

Jay: Yeah, I think so. And I say that because I’ve talked to grandparents like this and she reminded me a lot of my mother’s mother, just because she’s similarly very well read, very well educated and all that stuff. And so it was always interesting to see, you know, how that sort of differed. And I definitely noticed that I was a lot more open. Not not that I’m not open with my grandmother, but I’m definitely a lot more open when it’s somebody that I have very little familial connection to. So it kind of worked out for everyone in that situation.

Dede.  What was the most difficult thing aside from the scheduling?

Jay: You know, granted, I’m obviously looking at this all with rose-tinted glasses, so maybe at the time if you had asked me, I would have said certain things. I don’t think there was anything that was remarkably difficult. But I will say it was sort of like a trial by fire as nobody ever told me how to do this, but people with dementia can often experience things like sudden panic, that sort of thing. Being in ninth grade and never having experienced that before, it’s obviously like, “Oh shoot, I got to do something about this.” So that was always an interesting thing to confront. And I think that I managed to do it pretty well, but it was definitely like a trial by fire, so to speak.

Dede: And when you say sudden panic, do you mean a kind of anxiety? Like anxious about the timing of things or missing dinner or the like?

Jay: Yeah.

Dede: Well, I have to say from my end I applaud you for your level of maturity back then. It was incredible for me to be at work and know Mom was having this special time with you. It’s beautiful that you got something out of it, aside from maybe $10 or an ability early on until your friends who had a job. Would you recommend this to other young people?

Jay: I was actually going to say that. I’d say that if you have the opportunity to do something like this, you take it. But I’m also a big believer of taking the opportunity to do anything. Even if it’s like something that you wouldn’t normally do, I’d say, “Say yes at least once to it, just so you know if you like it or not.” And quite honestly, I think most young people would enjoy this more than they think. If they like reading, if they like a good conversation partner, it’s definitely an option. There are plenty of people who need it. And it was always strange because in her living places I would see a lot of people and would incidentally just end up reading to them too. If I was waiting for my parents to pick me up, people would sit by the door with me because they’re waiting for their own people and they’re like, “What are you doing?” And I’m like, “I read to them. What do you read?” Well, this is what’s been going on in the news lately. Not all of them were fans.

Dede: So important! As we finish up, are there other things you want to share?

Jay: There are a couple of distinct memories. I distinctly remember at one point, I think it was summer vacation or something, so I came around noon as opposed to my normal 4pm or whatever. And so it was lunchtime. And so I decided, “Oh, I guess I’ll go meet Patty down in the mess hall.” And she’s sitting with some other people, but Patty says, “All right, we’re letting Jay sit here. He’s going to read me the news.” I’m like, “Okay.” Everybody wasn’t apparently a fan of me. I remember the top story in a lot of the newspapers was an Argentinian submarine had gone missing off the coast of Argentina, which is important to know. It’s like a pretty big story – a lot of metal that they sort of lost track of. And so I tell her (and her table buddies) about the story. I’m reading some of the stuff, mentioning some things about the design, how it’s a built and such. And then Patty’s buddy just pipes up and says, “Well, that wasn’t very funny.” And I thought – I’m sorry, was this the comedy hour?

Dede: Oh my. How did Patty respond?

Jay: She was like, “Oh, that’s a very interesting story.” But yeah, I think that having that every week was always something to look forward to. I was always excited to go. But also kept me active. I used to ride my bike to school, so it was like, “Okay, I guess I ride my bike there, or if I walked, well, I’d walk there.” I’d be very interested to see Patty’s perspective on this, of how she saw me grow. Because undoubtedly I did, and it would be very interesting to see in what ways. I think I definitely grew much more confident talking to, well, strangers to some degree.

Dede: Yeah, for sure. I think she saw that, and I wish I’d asked her that. What I do know is how much she loved her time with you. I know she felt very close to you. I do know there was a time when she would say, “I don’t know why he wants to visit with me – he’s got so many other things going on, and yet he comes to see me. Obviously, that had to also make her feel good.

Jay: Well, don’t worry, she asked me that too. She’s like, “Don’t you have a job?” And I’m like, “Don’t worry, I got one of those too.”

Dede: And I think she really “got” you. Or maybe just her familiarity with you, honestly, because you gotta think about it. What did I say? Five years? Five years. I mean, that’s a long time. That’s longer than she would have had a student. She did see you as someone pretty close to her, almost like a family member.

Jay: What I thought was kind of interesting about that was that not only did she, you know, get to see me in all that, she always got to see me right after school, which was certainly a different way to see me just the way I am. I came in with my backpack and all my school stuff. So, for me, there were some days where I just treated as like an extra class. You know, I also think that it wasn’t just the reading. I think that there was a part of it where it was like, “I want to make her laugh.” Because she had a great laugh.

Dede: And I don’t think you two read as much as you chatted or you shared things, right?

Jay: No, it was like every news story that I would get to basically turn into a prelude to a conversation about the news story.

Dede: And what a neat reminder: even with people who are at a certain level of dementia, because it’s going to, except maybe for the person who wanted a funny story, but it can trigger a conversation, story or memory.

Jay: I will say, also, that I have this experience with Patty on my resume. And it’s always unfortunate because nobody ever asks me about it. And boy, do I love talking about it. It was such an exciting experience. I’m glad I got to spend so much time with her.

Dede: You’re bringing me to tears. It’s really beautiful. And it was full circle in that you attended her Memorial Service and learned even more about her.

Jay: That was the thing. There was always something else that, like, I did not realize that she had spent time in Thailand. I knew she had spent time in China. Never learned about Thailand until now.

Dede: You’re just amazing. You’re an amazing young man, seriously.

And yet again, I'm reminded how much connections matter. With each unique relationship, we learn about ourselves, and so often we receive as much if not more than we give.

Read the memoir: From First Breath to Last: A Story About Love, Womanhood, and Aging.