Before I submitted my final draft of My Music Man to my publisher, I teasingly gave each of my four brothers the opportunity to change their first name. To go incognito, although it really wouldn’t be for those who know our family. None of them took me up on the offer and I’m not sure more than one brother read that final draft thoroughly.
My eldest brother, Patrick, took this job most seriously. In fact, he even corrected one fact post publication (leading me to write Apology 2: To the Grande Rhonde River). Yes, with our parents both gone, he has the most history of our immediate family being the oldest of us five, and ahead of me by five years. And, to this date, we disagree about the Willamette River “carp” story. (But, sorry Patrick, I’m certain you steered the boat with me waterskiing into the slough of dead carp. I know I’m right on this one.)
Our mom was busy with five kids within nine years, and including two miscarriages prior to my birth. That’s a lot of pregnancies by today’s standards. The five of us, my four brothers and I, don’t share everything and aren’t in agreement on everything. What we siblings do share, is an unconditional forever love for each other. I’m pretty certain that this love is the one thing that would make our parents most grateful. And no, I’m not here to flaunt it but to be grateful and hopeful that all humans find a type of sibling connection with someone, whether through birth or one’s choosing. And to wonder: what are the secret ingredients that led to this eternal love? And, me, the only sister – how do I fit in?
My brother Michael reminded me that our relationships have been strengthened because of our commitment to our annual family reunion. Yes, as readers may recall, we consistently return to our Ocean Park cabin each summer. We did this when our parents were alive, and we commit to it today. Cousins (and even us siblings) get to return to their childhoods in a way: we all tease and argue about the fun and trouble we’ve had over the years. The newest generation is added into the mix. And for a short bit, we’re away from the challenges of the world and society in this place that also holds our childhood memories and our parents’ ashes. Not every family can return to a generational place, but I’m grateful to know many families do find a way to be together occasionally. And yes, we all learn to be willing to stretch ourselves to create comfort emotionally and physically. We nudge, encourage, accept and move on.
I’ve blogged previously about siblings’ relationships after a parent’s death (Siblings: When the Going Gets Tough). And while bits of my experience as an only daughter arise in both memoirs, I’ve never blogged about its uniqueness.
From First Breath to Last: A Story About Love, Womanhood and Aging
Being an only sister and the middle child to boot, has made me tougher and funnier. I had to be both to make it. I learned early how to get along with guys and only later realized I was tough on my own gender. Why were they so “girly”? Why couldn’t they all throw a ball the “right” way? I have a memory from my freshman year in college, once volleyball season had concluded, getting talked into playing on a dorm co-ed basketball team. This will be fun, I thought! After all, I played varsity for four years at Lincoln High. I lasted one game and was bewildered that “girls” got four points for each basket and we were allowed to travel. Good God, I thought. I’m grateful that before too long I developed lots of support and admiration for my gender. I did, however, make sure I taught our youngest daughter the “proper” way to throw a baseball after she opted out of that organized sport.
Because I’ve never investigated what it means to be an only daughter outside of my own brain, I took to the internet. My mouth gaped open. Had I identified this earlier in life, might it have helped me better figure out who I am and why I am the way I am? Or just maybe, my experiencing it turned me into me. According to you know “what” (who?) these are the attributes of an only daughter with four or more brothers. Quoted material is from the source.
- “High Adaptability and Resiliency
Growing up as the sole female sibling in a large, bustling household generally forces a high level of adaptability. These daughters often develop a strong “thick skin” early in life.”
Hmm…yes, I get this. I do have both a physical and mental toughness, and can be less offended by teasing behavior though I think I’ve become far more sensitive to the latter as I’ve aged. But, yes, I’ve been resilient and (sometimes too) adaptable. Growing up in a rural environment further fortified this. - “Strong Boundaries and Assertiveness
“In a house with four or more brothers, competition for attention, resources, and space can be intense. To ensure her voice is heard, an only daughter typically must learn to speak up.”
While I am fiercely independent and think I always have been, I suspect the alcohol and boisterousness in our household perhaps taught me to also “duck out” sometimes rather than speak up. I’ve learned the speaking up skill. I think, for me, due to the loudness of our family, it was easier to sneak away to the quietness of a book (see Portland Wrestling: A League of its Own). - “Fluency in Male Social Dynamics
“Spending childhood immersed in male peer groups provides these women with an innate, almost instinctual understanding of men and male psychology.”
Oh yes. And, without a doubt, this skill helped me tremendously in my choice of workplace safety as a profession. And, from the start, I’ve had many good male friends. - “Low-Drama Approach to Conflict: Because male sibling conflict is often overt and quickly resolved (e.g., a brief argument followed by immediately moving on), these daughters often adopt a similar, low-intensity approach to interpersonal conflict.“
Hmm. I think alcohol skewed this one too. Yes, low drama, but I also learned big-time to avoid conflict. I like to think each day I’m improving on this one. - “Distinct Parental Roles: The “Pedestal” vs. The “Caregiver
The relationship with parents in this specific configuration often swings between two distinct extremes, sometimes experiencing both simultaneously“
I’ve always pushed back on the expectation some have that I was spoiled or protected as the only daughter. I was a joyful helper as I changed my youngest brother’s diapers and taught him to read. I think because of my tight relationship with Mom, and my taking on being the key caregiver during both our parents’ aging, I did take on the “helper expectation.” I will always assert this was my choice, and feel that heartfully. But it did put me in a bit of a title role with my brothers – I was the one they checked in with, turned to. And today, I find that I have inherited Mom’s listening ear for each of my brothers. I find it most interesting how each relationship is different yet loving. Perhaps just like how it was in the beginning and certainly impacted by birth order. - “Complex Relationship with Femininity
Without sisters to share clothing, secrets, or developmental milestones, an only daughter’s relationship with femininity is shaped heavily by isolation or contrast.“
Ding ding ding!!! Oh my has this one shows up in my writing, including both memoirs. I’ve pushed back, strove to understand things I didn’t get, and eventually moved into a beautiful understanding – for me – about being female. It is no surprise that I too have written bits of this into characters Celia and Emma in A Map of Her Own. While I was fine wearing dresses and such, they weren’t my first choice and I appreciate Mom had no outward appearance traditional expectations for me, and always supported my choices.
I am reminded of others “like me” – only daughters I have met over the years, and the stories we’ve shared. This deeper look makes me want to form a club for us “only sisters” at mid-life. How the hell did we turn out? And now, what about you? I’d love to hear from others who relate to this theme!
Related blogs and books
My Music Man
From First Breath to Last: A Story About Love, Womanhood and Aging
Siblings: When the Going Gets Tough
Siblings: When the Going Gets Tough Part 2
